Avoiding Intimacy Issues-Intimacy refers to the ability to genuinely share your true self with another person and relates to the experience of closeness and connection. Some define different types of intimacy, including:
Intellectual: The ability to share your thoughts and ideas with another
Emotional: The ability to share your innermost feelings with another
Sexual: The ability to share yourself sexually
Experiential: The ability to share experiences with another
Spiritual intimacy: The ability to share your beliefs beyond your self, in a higher power, or individual connection to others and the world
The fear of intimacy may involve one or more of these types of intimacy to different degrees.
Watch out for the following signs in yourself that may indicate a fear of intimacy:
-An inability to express what you need and want from those in your life
-Poor communication or avoidance of serious topics in your relationships
-Trouble trusting your partner with important matters or decisions
-An unwillingness to share your dreams and/or goals
-Purposely sabotaging relationships once you begin to get close to the other person
-Avoiding physical contact with your partner
-Refraining from being spontaneous or adventurous in the bedroom
Management and Coping
Whether you consult with a therapist or not, there is some work that must be done in order to conquer a fear of intimacy that only you can do. This largely comes down to facing and challenging negative attitudes about yourself, which is critical if lasting change is to take place.
This process can take time, a willingness to accept uncertainty, and the effort to review your life to discover how and why you developed this fear.
Accept Uncertainty
Those who fear intimacy ultimately fear the consequences of a relationship that turns sour. It's important to accept the fact that there are no guarantees in life or in human relationships. Every connection with another person is ultimately a gamble. Despite that, social relationships are a basic driving goal of human existence.
Practicing courage can make a difference, and it's been found that developing positive relationship experiences can decrease fear. A caveat is that it's important to do this with someone who you believe you can trust. Try to focus more on living day to day, rather than focusing on (or needing) a particular outcome.
Express Self-Compassion
In order to successfully battle the fear of intimacy, you must first be comfortable with yourself. If you truly know and accept your own value and worth as a person, then you know that rejection is not as crushing as it may seem.
You will be able to set appropriate boundaries to avoid engulfment and cope with abandonment if it comes along.
Practicing self-compassion may sound easy to some, but for others, it's not always intuitive. There are several excellent books and workbooks available that may be helpful if you're not certain where to begin.
Look at Your Past
Most of us don't want to think negatively about a parent or parental figure but try to honestly evaluate your childhood relationships in an effort to zero in on possible contributions to your fear of intimacy. Think about the messages you received in your family and compare these with the messages you should have received.
If you had a neglectful, abusive, or engulfing parent, recognizing that your relationship with your parent is not the only model for intimate relationships may help you realize what might be possible in terms of intimacy.
Tune Into Your Inner Dialogue
The inner dialogue that leads to the manifestations of a fear of intimacy is often deep-seated, and after living a lifetime as your own inner critic, it may seem normal to you.
Rather than accepting that critic, try to catch yourself casting negative self-judgments. Look to see where they are coming from and challenge and correct them when you can.
Look at Your Goals
What do you really want in life? Do you want a long-term intimate relationship? If so, how have you pushed people away in the past? Take time to review what your wishes and goals were and are and how your actions either help or hinder them.
Give Yourself Time
Overcoming a fear of intimacy doesn't happen overnight. Even when you feel like you have gained ground, you will inevitably have setbacks. Grant yourself forgiveness when this happens and speak kindly to your inner self.
Try not to view your fear as a character flaw. Instead, try to look at it as simply something that likely stems from your distant past that you can work through in order to have a better future.
Research has also shown that positive relationship experiences can be beneficial for those who have issues with intimacy.9Having such positive experiences may improve your ability to form intimacy over time.
Advice for Loved Ones
If it is your loved one who is coping with a fear of intimacy, you will need to practice patience. Setbacks are perfectly normal and to be expected. Establishing safety and trust is of utmost importance so that your loved one can begin to open up.
Try to not react personally or with anger if your loved one tries to push you away. Recognize that they are not rejecting you, but rather that they fear you will reject them.
Keep your partner's fear of abandonment, rejection, or engulfment in mind as you think about their words and behaviors. Their upbringing may cause them to interpret an action in a completely different way than you would.
For example, if your partner is coping with a fear of engulfment due to growing up in an enmeshed family, surprising them by saying "we are going on a trip" may not be a loving and pleasant surprise at all, and may reinforce their fear of being controlled. Instead, providing clear choices and making sure your partner is involved in all decisions might be interpreted as more loving.
Like money, intimacy is highly personal, and most couples run into intimacy issues at some point in the marriage. Helping understand the general physiological and emotional gender differences as well as the ones specific to [you], opens the door to be able to develop a healthy physical relationship.
What Does Sex Mean for Both of You?
How will you handle changes in your sex life over the years? What does sex mean to you? It can be a difficult, vulnerable conversation to talk about sex, and the first step is to honor and recognize that, creating compassion for your partner. Couples have to talk about sex. It's a major part of a healthy relationship.
Acknowledge if there is a problem or a change in your sex life, and stay on top of it and communicate. And remember, your sex life as a couple is entirely up to you. There may be times you feel more or less connected, Work to normalize that. Don't compare yourselves with others.
What Are Your Expectations on Sex?
Partners may have different views on how often sex should happen within marriage and it's important to honestly explore expectations on intimacy. That’s part of the conversation around the relationship, what the expectations and fantasies are around that, especially given it changes around the course of our relationship. There are seasons when it’s really hot and then there are seasons when it’s really dry. Assure each other that less sexual activity, especially during those dry seasons, doesn't mean you've lost interest in your spouse. Collaborate in exploring other ways to be intimate.
REFERENCES: Chris Locurto, Brides-Jillian Kramer, Marianne McGoldrick,Lea Rose Emery,Holy Spirit-K.Price